Murdoc's Fractured tales
by RaphaelDrake
Summary: 2D has been having problems sleeping. The series.
1. Chapter 1 Fractured tales

With all the pirate attacks and ominous, looming black clouds hanging over his head. 2D Hasn't been sleeping very well at all. Murdoc doesn't seem to be handling things much better and appears to be slowly loosing his mind. So the singer takes it upon himself to solve both problems, by giving the bassist something else to think about for a while. How he'll take it is the question. But then Stuart won't know the answer to that, until he asks. So one night he makes his way upstairs to the older man's bedroom and asks him.

Cyborg Noodle is standing in the hallway outside the bassist's room, when she hears a huge explosion and suddenly a terrified blue haired man is screaming past her at full sprint. He slams up against the elevator door and repeatedly slaps the button. While the bassist frantically attempts to untangle himself from his bedclothes.

"When I get this off me, I'm gunna tear your head off and crap down your neck. You damn pillock!" he screeches. "Bed time stories! How fucking old are you?" he adds and finally the blankets come loose. By then though, the only one left standing there is Cyborg Noodle.

Two weeks later, Murdoc is drunkenly staggering down the hall. He suddenly finds himself in the elevator, staring at the panel and limply lifting his finger, he wavers back and forth while trying to see where the buttons are. Giving up, he lets himself drop forwards while holding out his finger. Deciding that whatever button it lands on, at least he'll be somewhere. When the door opens again, he finds himself down in the bowels of the island, staring at 2D's door.

"Why am I here again?" Murdoc mumbles to himself. "Oh wait, I know," he adds with a drunken jerky nod of his head and kicks to door open, startling the singer inside the room.

"Righty oh kiddies! Uncle Murdoc is here to tell you a tale. It's long and dark and has some wheels on it." Looking down at the bottle in his hand, Murdoc licks his lips. "Mm, rum. Err, what was I saying again?"

"I dunno?" the singer grunts, lifting his head and closing one eye while he thinks about it. "Something about wheels, I think?" he finally decides with a shrug. Murdoc stares at him through red rimmed eyes, wavering unsteadily back and forth on his chair.

"Right?" he drawls slowly, then shakes the fog from his head momentarily. "Anyway, I have a crappo story for you. This one's about a smart arse tailor, so sit down and shut up." Looking around at the bed that he's reclining in in confusion. Stuart shrugs, then lifts himself up off the mattress and drops himself back down again, shooting a huge grin back at the drunk bassist. "Very good. Here, have a walnut." The bassist hands him the nut then clears his throat.

"Thanks Muds."

"Don't mention it. So there was this snobby arsed Princess, who didn't want to get married, and every time some idiot came along to try his luck, she'd fob him off with some dumb arsed riddle." the bassist drawls in his usual gravely snarl, somewhere between angry and drunk.

"She sounds horrible," Stuart mumbles, wrinkling his nose.

"Err, yeah. Shut up Dee. Anyway if he got it wrong, which they often did, she'd have them driven out of town and maybe shot, drawn and quartered, hung from the rafters and then beaten with a stick," the bassist continues, taking a swig from the bottle in his hand.

"Oh my... She really is horrible!" the singer squeaks, widening his eyes at that. Becoming irritated the bassist tuts loudly and slits his eyes at the younger man.

"Seriously, shut up pillock. She sent invites out to see how many idiots there really were out there. One day these three tailors thought they'd give it a go. Two of them really thought they were the business, the other one though, well he was just a lazy sod."

"I'm not lazy," Stuart mumbles, bowing his head and rolling the edge of the blanket between two fingers.

"I'm not ready for you yet," Murdoc snaps and hits him with a cushion. "Shut up until your part of the story arrives or turns up or whatever it is that it does. So the two brothers told him to stay home because he was stupid. But he told them to rack off, because he was coming anyway. Eh, so they let him the morons. And they went to see the snobby Princess who looked at them and said, wow you're ugly." Stuart lifts his head and wrinkles his nose while he thinks about the story.

"No she didn't," he squeaks, fairly sure that the story that he knows doesn't go like that.

"Christ you're thick" Murdoc snarls, rolling his eyes in disdain. Not to be dissuade because he's certain that the story doesn't read like that. Stuart folds his arms over his chest and pushes the issue.

"She said she had two different kinds of hair and asked what colour they were."

"Yeah..." Murdoc drawls threateningly, determined to read the story his way. "...and wow, by the way you're ugly." He glares at him. "The first moron says black and white, so she shoots him."

"Muh..." Before the younger man can complete the word, Murdoc hits him with a pillow.

"It's my story and I say that she shoots him!" he roars at the cringing figure on the bed. 2D finally uncurls when nothing more happens. Then huffs out in frustration and stays quiet. "Good. The second moron says red and brown. So she shoots him as well. And has his head cut off and hangs it on the wall."

"Eww," Stuart groans in disgust, shaking his head uncomfortably at the image in his mind.

"Pillock." Murdoc grunts at him. "So the lazy sod walks up and says silver and gold. Which is right and the Princess has a little tear about it. Oh boo... boo hoo, whinge, whine, moan... ack. I'm bored now, so I'm changing the rules and you have to sleep with this bear. She says, just because she's a princess and a sod."

"Muds, there ain't no bestiality in-" Cringing instantly when Murdoc snaps his blazing eyes at him. Stuart squeaks when Murdoc thrusts the book that he's holding out at him. Looking to where the bassist's finger is pointing, the younger man reads the passage, then sits back. "Oh, it does say that." he gasps softly. "Cor, them Grimm guys were perverts."

"Heh, heh, tell me about it." The bassist laughs softly, knowing that the only reason why it says that now, is because he rewrote it. "So the idiot goes with the bear and kicks back, eats some nuts..." Still shocked at what the story appears to have said before, Stuart fails to listen properly and is shocked again.

"He ate the bears... thingies?" he gasps. Murdoc snaps his head up and stares hard at the younger man.

"And you whinged about the Grimm brothers being perverted!?" he mutters mostly to himself. "He gave the bear some pebbles, but the bear was thick and thought they were nuts. So when he couldn't crack them open, he asked the tailor to crack his nuts for him. So the tailor said okay and he gave him a good swift kick in the bollocks." 2D stares hard at the bassist for a second, then suddenly bursts out in a gale of laughter.

"Oh hell," Stuart finally manages to say when he's stopped laughing.

"I thought you'd like that bit. Actually he didn't kick him, but he should of. So the tailor takes out his fiddle and has a bit of a fiddle." Murdoc says.

"This story is really wrong Muds. The kids shouldn't be listening to it at all. I mean, what with all the violence and bestiality, and people being kicked in the bollocks. Now the guy's playing with himself in front of a bear." Stuart slowly shakes his head in disbelief and sighs deeply.

"Go to bed then if you're going to whinge about it!" Murdoc snarls. 2D Lifts his head and looks around his room. He's about to remind the guy that he's already in his room, but isn't sure how he'd take that. So he sits back hard against the head of his bed.

"I don't wanna," he grunts in annoyance.

"Shut up then!" the bassist snaps back. "So the bear dances while the tailor fiddles, then the bear decides that he wants to fiddle too. So the idiot shows him how to and the bear has a tear because his nails are too long. So the idiot grabs some scissors and cuts them off."

"His nuts?" Stuart snaps, having not heard because he was too busy looking out of his window for the whale.

"His nails you dolt," Murdoc spits in frustration, rubbing his temple.

"Oh, sorry." Seeing the building tension, Stuart sits back down and goes very quiet.

"I'm sick of this now," Murdoc growls. "So the next morning, the snobby arsed Princess sees that the tailor had survived the night. Because the bear was a big pussy and had dropped off to sleep. The other two idiot brothers were naffed themselves, because he hadn't died. So they told the bear that the guy said horrible things about him. That pissed off the bear and he went after the nut eating fiddle twit. But he went oh boo at him and the bear wet itself and took off. So the twit married the Princess. He took her home and molested her for a while. But a few years later, he dies from nut poisoning. Then the bear gave the Princess the clap, and the other two idiot tailors got done on some trumped up DUI charge. So they became prison wives and that's the end of the idiot tale. Happy?"

"No," Stuart squeaks, a little shocked at how quickly it ended.

"Tough. Now go to bed, yah pillock." Murdoc snaps, stabbing a finger back towards the door.

"But Muds, this is my room," Stuart says quietly, slowly sliding his way under the blankets and hiding the bottom half of his face. Murdoc blinks at him, slowly lowering his arm. "And I hate whales," the singer adds.

"Yeah, your room. I knew that I was being um, ironic or some shit," Murdoc growls as he stands up and walks to the door. "Idiot," he adds anyway and slams out of the room.


	2. Chapter 2 The Prince and the Pauper

Taking a seat on the chair next to Stuart's bed. Murdoc makes himself comfortable, then looks over at the cringing younger man hiding under the bedclothes.

"You know what I think Faceache?" he says to the shaking lump in front of him. Slowly 2D lifts the blanket enough to make a hole large enough to peer out at him.

"Wot?"

"I don't think that you are having sleeping problems. I think that you're just pulling my leg with this shit, simply because you're lonely," the bassist smirks, then swigs on his bottle of Captain Morgan. Shocked at that Stuart pulls the blanket down completely and stares at the musician with his mouth opening and closing, while he tries to find the words to express his distress.

"No, it's cause that whale out there..." He finally manages with the stab of a finger at his window. "...scares the crap out of me, and I can't bloody sleep bruv." Not even remotely interested in his singers difficulties. But willing to prove him wrong. The bassist puts the bottle down beside his chair, stands up and slapping Stuart aside as he climbs up onto his mattress. Reaches for the curtain and snaps it open.

"What damn whale?" Instantly seeing the creatures huge bloodshot eye staring straight back at him. Murdoc blinks at it in astonishment, then slowly closes curtain again. Thinking quickly, he decides to behave as though he saw nothing. "Okay so the story that I have for you tonight, is about two stupid kids. One rich little bugger and one poor one."

"You saw the whale right?" Stuart nods slowly, wringing his hands together nervously. "That big googly eye looking back at you?" Holding his hands up in front of his eyes, Stuart waggles his fingers at the bassist. Irritated by this Murdoc slaps them away again and grits his teeth hard. 

"I have no idea what you're talking about," he lies, determined not to let the younger man distract him. "Now do you want this damn story or not?" Sighing in defeat and slumping down in the bed. The singer gives up and lets the bassist have his way.

"Yes please."

"The Prince and the Pauper. Originally scrawled onto a bit of bog paper, by Mark Twain. Cue the dramatic music. Woo hoooo wooo, taaaah dum dee dah, bleh. Whatever. The longest damn tale I've ever read. So I shall now do a bit of magic. You like magic, don't you Dee?" Hearing this and brightening quickly. Stuart sits back up and nods excitedly.

"Yeah bruv."

"Oh good. Now watch me take this huge story..." Murdoc holds his hands out wide. "...and break it down to something small," He closes them again until he's staring between the gap between his finger and thumb. "Kind of like your brain." He grins coldly. Not quite catching the significance straight away, Stuart claps his hands.

"Yay!" It suddenly strikes home and he pauses, thinking about it. "Wait, what?" Ignoring this, Murdoc takes a swig of rum and begins telling the story.

"So there was this queen lying in bed one day, with her legs spread asunder." He opens his arms wide, to give a visual to the still confused singer muttering about the last thing that he'd said. "She squeaks a bit and POP. Out shoots a kid. Which bounces off the wall and into the arms of some bastard king. Aww how nice. Now he racks off with the slippery little beggar while the queen has a little nap. While she's doing that another little beggar slips out from under her nightie and a passing maid spots it. Now this maid's a bit of a kleptomaniac and because there's no one around, she picks up the kid and wraps it in a blanket, then racks off home with it." Furrowing his brow at that, Stuart looks hard at the older man.

"Why did she steal the queens baby Muds?" he asks.

"Food," the bassist replies without even a moment's hesitation.

"Eww," Stuart groans in disgust and pulls the blanket back up over his head.

"Not really," Murdoc reasons with a slow shake of his head. "At that age they're not so bad. They get a bit on the stringy side if you leave them for a while though." Stuart's eyes widen in shock and he covers his ears, not wanting to listen any more. "Anyway. Years pass, as they do, and the little beggar's grow up. One is surrounded by idiot servants, while the other one's surrounded by rats and garbage." Unsuccessful in his attempt to block the story out. Stuart pulls the blanket back down again.

"I thought the maid was gunna eat the baby?" he states firmly.

"Well she didn't," Murdoc sighs in frustration. Thinking about that while Murdoc takes another swig from his bottle, Stuart becomes more confused.

"Why?" Spluttering into his bottle, Murdoc wipes his mouth with an arm, thinking quickly.

"Errr, syphilis. She went nuts and was far too busy standing on the corner pretending to be a phone box, to go worrying about eating the sprog," he replies. This makes Stuart slit his eyes suspiciously and look back at him rather hard.

"I thought this story was written back when the Tudors were in-" Instantly slapping a hand over his mouth and pulling away when he sees the older man pull back a fist as if getting ready to hit him. Stuart makes the decision that it will be best not to finish that sentence. Satisfied with that, Murdoc lowers his fist again.

"The poor beggar wanders off one day and sees the rich one playing in his back yard. The rich one spots him and says, "Oi, poor prick! Get your bum in here." So the poor beggar climbs the wall and stands in front of the rich one. They change clothes and the rich one climbs the wall and racks off. The poor one runs inside and eats all the food. The rich beggar thinks that poor idiots have been having much more fun, but he quickly finds out that that certainly weren't true. So he has a little tear about it." Murdoc feigns sadness and pouts. "Awwww, you pussy. The poor beggar had thought that being rich would be great. But he quickly finds out that there's all these rules and work and shit, and he don't like that much either. So he has a little tear as well. Awwww. What. A. Tool. But he does like the idea that it at least comes with toys and shit. Now time passes and the rich beggar decides that he's a bit tired of smelling like fish. So he racks off back to the palace and demands to be let inside. But the captain of the guard says, "Piss off you little toe rag, then drop kicks him into a puddle."

"That was mean of him," Stuart says, suddenly quite interested in the story.

"Not really. At least now he doesn't smell of fish. He smells of sewerage instead," Murdoc shrugs.

"Eww. Stinky fish," Stuart winces, holding his nose. Amused by that the bassist chuckles.

"Yep. Which is almost exactly what fish smells like after you've eaten it anyway. Just cut out the middle man, and get right down to the nitty gritty," he continues.

"Bleh," the singer grunts, making a sick face. "That must have hurt coming out then." He reasons vaguely.

"What?" Murdoc asks, raising an unseen eyebrow.

"Stinky gritty fish. Probably all the sand?" Stuart explains with a nod. The bassist blinks at him in confusion, then decides it will be best just to agree with him.

"Yeah. Nothing worse than having sand in your arsehole." He then shakes the sound of static out of his head and continues reading the story. "Anyway, the poor kid is having fun playing with the other kids toys, when he's suddenly dragged in front of the queen and told that his dad is dead. Eh." He shrugs, unconcerned by that. "So he finds out that he's going to be crowned king and has to stop playing with toys. He doesn't like that at all, but there's nothing that he can do about it. The tosser. The rich kid hears that his dad is dead and he has a little tear as well. Then he realises that the poor kid is gunna be crowned instead of him, and that's when he looses his rag. He drop kicks a passing rat and storms back to the palace, demanding to be let inside. The captain of the guard spots him again and walks over to him. "You again?" Then drop kicks him into the puddle again. The day of the ceremony arrives and there's much partying and food and orgies and shit...

"They needed better indoor plumbing. What with all the pooh around the place," the singer suddenly says, bringing Murdoc to a grinding halt. He once again shakes the static out of his head and thinks about that.

"Shit is just natures way of telling you that you're alive you know."

"That's true I suppose. If you don't pooh, you die," the singer mumbles, sucking on the tip of a finger while thinking about it.

"Violently," Murdoc grins evilly. Lifting his head sharply and looking over at the bassist, Stuart wrinkles his nose at that in a mix of shock and confusion.

"Really?"

"BOOM!" the bassist shouts, miming an explosion by flinging his arms wide.

"Gah!" 2D grunts, ducking under his arms. "There'd be pooh flying in all directions!" he grins in amusement.

"Exactly," Murdoc smiles, folding his arms over his chest and pulling himself up straight with authority. "So now you know why there's so much shit everywhere. It's from all the exploding idiots that are just so full of it that they-" He gestures for the singer to complete the sentence.

"Explode." Stuart smiles warmly. "Oh, now I get it, thanks Muds."

"I'd say any time, but I'd be lying. Anyway, do you want the rest of this story or not?"

"Yes please, shutting up now," the singer replies and gets more comfortable.

"So the poor kid is in his room getting dressed and the rich kid is digging a little hole under the fence. The captain of the guard spots him and drags him under the fence, takes him to the front gate and-" Once again Murdoc gestures for Stuart to finish the sentence.

"Drop kicks him into the puddle." The singer smiles.

"Good oh. The poor kid is driven to Westminster Abbey and the rich kid spots him. He runs through the streets, jumping over homeless people, dodging rats and diving around piles of rubbish. Until he finally gets there. He climbs up a wall just as the poor kid arrives. And when the poor kid sits on the throne, the rich kid cries out, "Oi! That's my damn chair you sod!" The captain of the guard grabs him and is about to take him outside to-" Gestures to Stuart again.

"Drop kick him into a puddle."

"When the poor kid stands up and says, "Oi, put that down. You don't know where it's been." The captain of the guard has a little tear, awww. And drops the rich kid. Who then runs up to the poor kid and shoves him out of the way and says, "He's me.. I mean, I'm him... Just crown me you bastards!" The queen looks at the two boys and sees that they're twins. She shrugs and says, "I see what you did there. And you know what, he's better than you because he's not a snobby little bastard like you are, so ner. Guards, take that outside and drop kick it into a puddle." The captain of the guard says, "Yay," and drags the kicking and screaming rich kid outside, and-" Gestures again to Stuart who giggles.

"Drop kicks him into a puddle."

"Exactly. So the poor kid becomes king. The rich kid becomes a bitter twisted old troll with dreams of revenge and matricide. Until he finally contracts leprosy from being constantly drop kicked into puddles of sewerage. And both of his legs drop off. Then he goes completely crazy and decides to eat one of his arms as well. Which then causes him to die from blood loss. But at least he didn't die hungry."

"That was kind of sad at the end. I mean, why couldn't they both live in the palace? He was her kid to." Stuart reasons sadly.

"Sibling rivalry." Murdoc shrugs and closes the book. "Nasty business. Like it or not Faceache, it's a fact of life. Now, time to sleep."

"I don't know how I feel about that story Muds?" Is suddenly struck in the head with a pillow. "Ow."

"How did that feel?" Murdoc asks him.

"Painful," Stuart replies, rubbing the back of his head.

"Well there you go," the bassist smiles, dropping the pillow back down onto Stuart's bed.

"Um... Okay?" The singer raises eyebrow in confusion, but he then lies down anyway.

"So everybody's happy then." Murdoc claps his hands loudly and stands up. "Now, time to hunt me a whale, yargh." 2D sits up sharply, staring at the retreating figure in shock and disbelief.

"You did see it!" he shouts at him, watching the door slam shut. "Bastard," he mutters angrily and pulls blanket over head.


	3. Chapter 3 The Princess and the Pea

Settling down in the chair next to Stuart's bed, Murdoc watches the singer neatening his blankets and fussing with his pillow for a while. Before he finally loses his temper because of how long it's taking the younger man to get comfortable. Standing up and reaching out his hand slowly. The bassist ignores the way that Stuart flinches away instinctively. Instead he smiles pleasantly and gestures at him to the pillow, then waits while the singer nervously looks first at him then back at it. Not sure why he wants it, Stuart slides it from behind him and with an anxious smile he hands the pillow over. Taking it gently and turning back around to face the chair. Murdoc places the book in his other hand down on the seat, then turns back to Stuart and takes a deep breath.

"Just. Get. Comfortable. Will you!" he shouts as he hits the singer around the head and shoulders with the pillow. Curling away from the attack Stuart grits his teeth and covers his head with his arms for protection.

"Okay okay. You can stop hitting me now!" he squeaks in protest. The bassist finally stops and calmly holds it out for him to take back. Uncurling from his protective ball and seeing this. The younger man purses his lips angrily and takes it from him. "Thank you," he grunts icily, then slipping it behind him he slumps back against it gruffly.

"Okay kiddies. Faceache is still having sleeping problems. Although I did suggest I could fix the problem by simply punching him in the head a few times. He had a little tear and said that he'd prefer a story instead. So, here's one about another pussy with sleeping problems. The idiot princess and her pea." Murdoc purrs throatily and retakes his seat by the bed.

"Eww," the younger man grunts, wrinkling his nose with disgust and pulling away from him.

"Eww?" Murdoc remarks quizzically with an unseen raised eyebrow. "What do you mean eww? You don't want me to read this one?" he asks, holding the storybook up and pointing to the title.

"No," the younger man replies with a shake of his head. "Not if it's about some girl going to the toilet," he adds and folds his arms over his chest, looking over at the small porthole window. Staring hard at the singer in utter disbelief that the guy is actually going to be this fussy today. He slowly works it around in his head until he draws a rather odd conclusion.

"The green kind you dolt!" he snarls, thinking that perhaps he's misinterpreted what he'd said before.

"Eww!" the singer drawls loudly and poking out his. Becoming even more disgusted, by the prospect of listening to a story that only a gynaecologist could ever find entertaining and hoping that it doesn't come with pictures. Simply because he knows that Murdoc will make a point of showing them to him until he throws up. "Infected bladder problems? No no no. I want another one what doesn't have horrible health problems attached to it," he insists firmly. Staring at the guy incredulously with his mouth slightly agape. Murdoc snaps his teeth together with an audible click and leans closer to him, watching him pull away.

"You're a horrible health problem," he growls coldly. "A pea, as in a pea!" he then snaps and sits back. Still not quite catching on to the significance, Stuart grits his teeth and slumps his shoulders.

"I heard yah the first time!" he snaps back, checking with a slight sideways glance to be sure that that doesn't get him a slap on the ear. Giving up trying to tell him. Murdoc stands and leaves the room for a moment. Coming back with a bag of frozen peas and tossing it hard at the younger man's head.

"A pea!" he roars in frustration. Huffing furiously through his nostrils and balling his hands so tightly into fists that he nearly punctures his palms with his nails. Looking down at the bag in his lap and blushing with embarrassment. Stuart grins awkwardly and cringes down into himself, sliding the bag from his lap and gently placing it on the side table.

"Oh sorry." Deciding to get the story over and done with the bassist once again returns to his seat, giving the hunched figure a single snide snort then opening the book.

"Idiot. Anyway, there was once this dumb arsed prince. Kind of like this dolt here." Sitting up brightly and not quite catching the significance. Stuart shyly dips his head to his shoulder thinking that the bassist has just been nice to him.

"Aww, thanks Muds," he purrs happily. Becoming even more annoyed with him, the bassist snaps his head forwards, almost like a crocodile snapping it's jaws shut.

"Shut up, or I'll shove that bag somewhere you really won't like it." With a squeak of fear, Stuart hides under his blanket.

"No, it's okay. Shutting up now." Rolling his eye and giving up, Murdoc sits back again and turns to the first page.

"Okay. Now this dumb arsed prince wanted a dumb arsed princess, as they do. So he went to lots of pubs, bars and brothels looking fer one. Now the brothels were a good idea and he had a bit of fun checking out the ladies there. And he took his time doing it too. But apart from making his wallet a heck of a lot lighter, he never really got anywhere with 'em. HA! The pillock." He shakes his head in a mix of incredulous disbelief. "And like the dumb arse that he was, he blamed them fer it and said they weren't good enough. Oh, so it wasn't because you were ugly or anything, right? Stupid princes. I hate this story already and I haven't even started."

"Maybe he should have tried speed dating or something?" Stuart suggests as he slowly re-emerges from under the bedclothes.

"Maybe I should try gluing your elbow to your ear?" Murdoc grunts back with a cold look up from the page. Furrowing his brow and looking at his elbow. Stuart lifts it and tries to make it touch his ear to see if it's at all possible to do that without the glue. "Heh heh, that'll keep him busy. So there were lots of princesses, but he was a fussy prick. Eh, still like this idiot." He watches the younger man who is still trying to make his elbow touch his ear.

"Ow," Stuart grunts when his shoulder cracks under the pressure. But he continues trying anyway. Ignoring this, Murdoc continues.

"And he wasn't sure they really were what they said they were. Yep, you tend to hear the same story when you ask if they've had any work done too." Adopting a nasally high pitched voice, he mimics being one of them while batting his eyelids. "Oh no, they're real." Waving that off in disgust, he reads on. "So giving up, because he got sick of fake hair teeth and boobs, he came home. Pfft, if you want a real woman, then you'll have to catch them the moment they pop from the womb. It's the only way to be absolutely sure these days mate." He nods at the picture of the prince in the book.

"Muds?" the singers voice calls softly. Closing his eyes with a soft sharp breath of frustration. Murdoc grits his teeth hard.

"What!?" he snaps in reply and looks up from the page. Only to see that 2D has slipped down between the gap between the wall and the bed and has landed upside down on the floor with only his legs poking out above the mattress.

"I have such a cramp right now." Stuart groans softly. "Owww."

"Oh fer..." Not in any kind of charitable mood, the bassist snorts at him. "Well you'll just have to stay there, because I'm trying to read the kids a story. Now shut. Up!"

"Okay," Stuart whispers softly in disappointment.

"So there was this terrible storm and some idiot was outside the palace banging on the gate. Because the butler was off for the night, the king wandered out in his booty pyjamas. "Who the fuck is banging on my door at this time of night?" he asks."

"T'is I the queen. You've left your back flap open again." Stuart jokes with an unseen grin, hoping to soften the bassist's mood because he's in a very vulnerable position at the moment. Murdoc blinks his eyes rapidly while processing that, then bursts out laughing. Smiling and waggling his feet because his plan worked perfectly. Stuart listens to Murdoc laughing his brains out and sighs in relief.

"Ahhhh, you're an idiot. So he opens the door and sees that there's this wet chick standing outside in the rain, sneezing and farting and shit."

"Maybe she had typhoid?" the younger man suggests with a slight shrug.

"Probably?" Murdoc nods back. "I am a dumb arsed princess and my limo broke down up the road. Here, have a chihuahua." she says and waltzes inside. Now the queen is standing there-"

"Holding the kings back flap closed." Stuart interjects quickly to keep the mood light. Murdoc sniggers at that and hunches over, trying not to laugh at the image that is floating around in his head.

"...And she... Oh Christ." Unable to contain it, he laughs again. "And she takes one look at this bird and says to herself. "Bloody Paris Hilton and her dumb arsed midget dog fetish. Princess my bum." So she races upstairs and rips the spare bed apart, puts a pea on the mattress, then shoves twenty other mattresses on top of it and just to be sure, twenty feather ones as well. What a tool."

"Where'd she get all the mattresses from Muds?"

"Um, Harrods." Murdoc shrugs. "Anyway, the dumb arsed princess walks in and sees this bed tower and looks at the queen sniggering in the corner and says, "Oi, how the fuck do I get up there?" The queen shrugs and says, "Climb yah bitch." Then bogs off. So the dumb arsed princess climbs up and goes to sleep. The next morning the queen asks Paris how she slept and she says, "Oh it was awful. I had something digging into my back all night." The queen shoots an accusatory look at the dumb arsed prince. But he says that he never went anywhere near her. So they realise she must be a dumb arsed princess after all, because she could feel the pea. So the dumb arsed prince says, "Oh cool. We can get married now right?" But Paris takes one look at him and says, "Fuck no. You're so not hot and I have my pretend career to consider. But you can keep the chihuahua. Tah tah." Then she racks off, falls off a cliff and gets eaten by a troll on the way to some party or some shit."

"So what happened to the pea?" the singer asks softly.

"It got a job in the porn industry as a fluffer." Murdoc replies, closing the book.

"Oh," Stuart grunts, finally making another attempt to free himself. "I could never do that job." he adds and wrinkles nose in disgust, just as he manages to get himself loose and finally falls over. "Ow."

"I don't see why not. You must have had plenty of practice by now?"

"What?" Sitting up he peers at the bassist over the mattress and slits his eyes at him suspiciously.

"Well what else could you possibly be doing down there in the bowels of the island?" Murdoc snarls back, getting to his feet and lighting up a cigarette. "Anyway, go to sleep," he adds, waving him off while walking to the singer's door.

"Okay," Stuart sighs sadly, climbing out of the gap. Suddenly something occurs to him and he looks back over at the bassist who is about to step from the room. "Hey. I have my donk to play with."

"I don't care what you call it. It's wrong and if you keep doing it, then you'll go blind. Now will you go to sleep!" Murdoc snarls angrily and slams the door.


	4. Chapter 4 The Princess and the Frog

Making his way over to Stuart's bed, with a rather wobbly, drunken gait. Murdoc grabs the back of a nearby chair and slowly drags it behind him as he approaches the bed. Pausing for a moment when he gets there and wavering gently back and forth on unsteady feet, while gazing down at the slightly stunned singer. Placing the chair firmly next to the bed and taking his seat. Murdoc attempts to cross his legs, rather unsuccessfully. Then gives up and instead drops a boot down on the mattress within inches of Stuart's pillow.

"And hello again. You lovely kiddies you," the bassist drawls with a drunken smile and opens his book.

"Um Muds?"

"Mm?" Murdoc responds with a slight look up over the top of the pages.

"Are you drunk?"

"Yep," the older man replies brightly with a jerky nod of his head. "Because this knob can't sleep, and I just want to. Here's another tale of whatever about a bird with a fascination fer amphibians. Ahem! You ready?" Glad to see that he's drunk enough to at least be momentarily pleasant, Stuart smiles and gets comfortable.

"Yeah."

"This princess person went fer a walk by herself in the forest, obviously bored or just something." Thinks about it for a moment, although finding it difficult because of how drunk he is. Murdoc eventually waves it off and swigs from his rum bottle instead. "Now she has this golden ball with her that she likes to chuck around and bounce off the back of the heads of people when they aren't looking and that."

"That was real mean of her." Stuart pouts sadly.

"Yeah. But she's rich, so what do you expect?" The bassist shrugs, looking through the side of the bottle to see how much he has left.

"Oh. But I'm rich Muds and I don't bounce balls off people?" Murdoc stares at the singer blankly for a moment in confusion. The catches onto what the singer actually said. Amused by his mistake, he laughs so heartily at it, that he actually falls off the chair. Landing with a reasonably solid thump.

"You knob," he sighs when he finally stops laughing.

"What?" Stuart asks, clearly annoyed. Pointing up at the younger man from his position on the floor, the bassist waves his finger at him with a smile.

"I thought you said that you don't bounce your balls off people, then I... Never mind." He sniggers at it again and sighs deeply, before finally hauling himself back onto his feet and sitting down again. "So the idiot princess comes to this puddle thing and chucks her ball. Trying to catch it, she misses and it bounces into the pond. She rolls her eyes and stomps over to get it. But she sees that the pond is deep and she can't swim and besides which, she's is too stupid and prissy to grab a stick and give it a bit of a poke to see if that works. So she flops down and has a little tear about it. "Oh sob. Cry cry, whinge, boo hoo." The pussy. Then she cries out "Bugger it! If I could only get my ball again, I'd give all my clothes and jewels, and everything that I have in the world. To the silly bastard who falls for my helpless chick bit and gets the stupid thing for me." Now it turns out the silly twit isn't alone and a frog put its head up out of the water and says, "Oi you silly tart! What are you bawling about?'"

"Did the frog really say that Muds?" Murdoc thinks about it for a moment.

"Um, no." He drawls in reply. "Actually it said ribbit ribbit. But this is one of those daft kids stories with magical animals in it. That like to talk a load of bollocks to kids, to trick them into thinking the world is a great place to live in."

"Oh, is it?" Stuart squeaks, slightly surprised.

"No. And it don't take kids too long to recognise that either. Which is why they tend to grow up bitter and spiteful. And end up hating their parents for lying to them so much. Then one night, while their parents are in the middle of humping each other, the kid waltzes into their bedroom and shoots them both in the head." The singer stares wide eyed at the bassist, then realises his mistake.

"I meant is it one of those kinds of silly stories Muds?" he explains.

"Oh... I thought you'd asked if it was a perfect world? Never mind. Ahem. So she turns to the frog and says, "Oi you prick, I'm a princess and my stupid ball has fallen into yer damn puddle there." The frog looks her up and down a bit, then says. "Oh, big deal. What do you want me to do about it you silly tart?" So the idiot princess gets all huffy and crap. "Listen prick. I'll give you stuff if you get it for me. Cause I'm all prissy and weak and can't do it for myself." Then she pretends to faint to see if he'll fall for her helpless bit, like many have before. But the frog ain't having none of it and he just looks at her and says. "Stupid cow. I don't want yer crappo stuff. But if you let me crash at yours and eat from your plate, and sleep with you. I'll get your damn ball." The idiot princess thinks about it, then decides to say that she'll give him what he wants. But when he gives her the ball she'll just leg it before he has a chance to do anything about it. So she says, "Whatever." So he dives in and gets it, coming back and spitting the ball at her feet. She grabs the ball and legs it, ignoring the frog who's yelling at her fer being a conniving cow.

"I don't like her. She's really mean," Stuart grunts angrily and folds his arms over his chest with a huff.

"Eh," Murdoc shrugs, clearly uninterested. "The next day, just as the idiot princess was sitting down to her morning meal, she hears someone at the door. "Oi bitch! Open the damn door?" So she gets up and takes a look to see who it is. Seeing that it's the seriously pissed off frog. She slams the door in his face and sits back down again. The king asks, "What the buggery's up your arse?" So she replies, "Oh it's just some stupid frog that I tricked into getting my ball out of a puddle. I promised to let him stay and eat, and get a leg over later. Just ignore him." The frog calls out again. "Oi bitch! Open this damn door or I'll crap all over your front step, then set fire to it! You evil cow." So the king says, "Stop being so damn rude you spoiled brat. Go and open the door for him. Because if he does shit on it, your the one who'll be cleaning it up." Sniggering at that, Stuart smiles at the older man.

"I like this story."

"Heh." Murdoc grins back, quite amused himself. "So she does the whole rolling her eyes bit and opens the door. The frog hops in all pissed off. "It's about bloody time. Now pick me up and put me next to your plate on the table. I'm hungry." So she did and he ate all of her food. He burps and pats his stomach. "That was disgusting. Time fer bed." So she takes him upstairs and he gets his leg over." He wakes up the next morning and leaves, taking her purse with him. Pissed off because her gold card was in that purse, but glad that he's gone. The idiot Princess waves it off and goes about doing her usual thing. Which was just a whole lot of standing around looking useless, weak and pretty. That night there's another knock on the door. "Oi bitch! Open the door." So she does and it's the frog, so he eats and humps her again. Then he does it again the next night. But when the idiot Princess wakes up the following morning. The frog has gone, but he's left a dumb handsome Prince standing there instead. He gives her the old, "I was enchanted by some dumb arsed fairy, who had changed me into a frog. Until some idiot Princess comes along and lets me eat her food and hump her for three nights." She bats her eyes at him and smiles. Then says. "Oh cool. We can get married now right?" So he laughs his head off and says, "Fuck that bitch. I'm gay. Tah tah." And he bogs off back to his kingdom, to marry the captain of the guard instead. Duh End." Stuart stares blankly at the bassist, not at all sure that he understood.

"But I thought-?"

"Nope. He was gay," Murdoc interjects, closing his book.

"But-?"

"Gaaaaaay," Murdoc drawls quite deliberately.

"But-?"

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay." Seeing the cold glint of evil in the bassist's bloodshot eyes. Stuart gives in.

"Oh. You know what? I don't like this story any more."

"Tough it's all your getting. Now go to sleep," Murdoc grunts, then stands up and taking the book and his rum bottle with him. He staggers to the door and pretty much hurls himself out of the room and into the corridor.


	5. Chapter 5 Thumbellina

"Okay kiddies," Murdoc announces as he slams Stuart's door open. Squawking in shock he dives under the bed and tries to squash himself as far back against the wall, as he can get himself. Grinning at that and happy that he made such a big impression on the younger man. The bassist makes his way over to the bed, dragging a chair behind him. "It's me again and Faceache is still being a pussy."

"No I'm not!" the singer calls from under the bed. "You scared me and I just find it hard to sleep knowing that that whale is prowling around outside my window."

"Eh, whatever. So here's a story about a short chick called Thumbelina." Shaking his head at the title, the bassist wrinkles his already crumpled nose. "What a stupid name. This woman wanted to have a little child. Mm, then they grow up to become big dolts like the one next to me. But as much as she squeezed, she just couldn't pop one out. So she went off and had a tear about it at the local fairy. You know what really makes me wonder about all these stupid tales?" Murdoc says, lifting his head from the book and looking at the empty pillow. Blinking in surprise, he suddenly remembers that 2D is under the bed.

"What?" the bed seems to reply. Accepting that with a shrug, Murdoc answers.

"Nine times out of ten there's bound to be some cross dressing, gay bastard at the centre of it. Anyway. She has a bitch at him and he says-" Adopting a gay accent, Murdoc clears his throat. "I can fix that duck. Just take this seed and plant it in a flower pot." Ha!" Returning to his usual gravelly drawl, the bassist tuts softly. "Stupid gay bastard. Probably sniffed too much fairy dust."

"What cross dressing gay person? I just went through all the stories you've read me, and I haven't found one?" Stuart snaps from under the bed. Feeling much braver than normal because he knows that Murdoc is reluctant to bend down and drag him out.

"Fairy," the bassist answers in annoyance. Thinking that the older man is referring to him as being one. Stuart huffs angrily and glares at the side of the bassist's boot.

"Well fine, you don't have to be rude about it." Regarding the bed with a look of disdain, Murdoc rolls his eyes.

"I was answering the question dullard. The cross dressing bastards that I'm talking about, are the fairies! You knob." Pausing for a moment and thinking about it, he then grins cruelly. "Heh, he's insulting himself these days. Now that's efficiency at work." He laughs. "So she paid him fer the seed, racked off and stuck it in a pot of dirt. Instantly it grew into a flower."

"Wow, instantly?" Stuart asks.

"Yep, instantly."

"I wonder what she used as fertiliser?" the singer mumbles softly, more to himself than Murdoc.

"She pissed on it."

"Eww." Disgusted by that Stuart screws up his nose and presses himself back further against the wall. "I don't know why I'm surprised to be honest. All your stories are horrible in some way."

"Well if you're not interested I'll go then," the bassist shrugs with an air of indifference, then moves to get up and leave.

"No no! I'm listening," Stuart says and finally pokes his head out from under the bed. Murdoc grins and snapping his hand down, grabs the back of the singers shirt and hauls him out. Grabbing the older man's wrist in panic, Stuart winces uncomfortably, only to see Murdoc jab a finger at the bed.

"In and shut up." Sighing the younger man does as he's told. "So at first she thought it was just an ordinary plant. So for some dumb arsed reason she kissed it. And that's when she spotted the little kid sitting in the centre of it. Ha! It is. This story is about drugs." Murdoc grins. "I licked a toad once and hallucinated that Cortez had Frank Sinatra's head on his body."

"Did you?" the younger man smiles.

"Yeah. Still not a great conversationalist, but we sang old show tunes fer the rest of the night and ate pizza. Anyway, she and her stupid husband liked the kid and decided to call it Thumbelina. What a stupid name." Murdoc shakes his head at the name again, becoming even more annoyed with it.

"What would you call her then?" Stuart asks pleasantly.

"Digit." Murdoc responds, reasonably firmly. "Anyway..." he adds with a deep sigh. Looking rather tired for a moment.

"Digit? Wasn't that the name of the big monkey in that Sigor... Sig...? Ripley Alien woman film.?" the singer sucks the end of a finger while he thinks about it, not really noticing the strange tic that has developed in the corner of Murdoc's eye.

"Sigourney Weaver?" he grunts, not entirely sure if answering is the best way to stop the singer talking. Knowing that 2D will keep muttering about it until he either works it out, or is beaten unconscious. He'd felt compelled to do one of the two and he couldn't be bothered moving at the moment. So that had helped choose which was better for him personally.

"Yeah, that's the one." The cheesy smile tips the balance and suddenly the singer is once again being beaten viciously with a pillow. "I'll shut up. I'll shut up!" Dropping the pillow, Murdoc continues reading the story.

"So they built her some stupid furniture out of walnut shells and shit."

"Eww." Stuart squeaks when he's hit again. "Shutting up!"

"And she sits there singing stupid songs..." Murdoc blinks and reads that back again, completely confused. "Hang on... She was only born a few seconds ago and the bitch can already sing? What a daft story? So later that night this big toad rocks up and looks at Digit sleeping in her bed and says, "Oh look a little hallucinogen. I reckon my son would like a bit of that." So she opens the window and swipes the little bitch. When Digit wakes up and sees the ugly mum toad and her uglier son. She has a little tear. Awww, the stupid cow. So the mum said he should go get her some... flowers? Obviously never heard of a tissue then. So he bogs off with digit in a little walnut shell boat, and in the middle of the swamp he sees an island of lilies. So he dumps her arse there and she bawls here eyes out about that too, because she can't swim. So the mum toad says, "Don't cry. It'll be better once you're both married." So Digit says. "Fer him maybe, the ugly bastard." And bursts into tears again."

"Awww, the poor thing," Stuart says sadly with a sniffle.

"Yeah..." Rolling his eyes and not feeling the least bit of empathy about it. Murdoc reads on. "So these fish had rocked by and had heard what the mum toad said. So they decided that they couldn't let her do it. They swum down and started chewing on the stem of the lilly pad that Digit is sitting on. Until eventually it broke and she floated down stream past lots of towns, until she was seen by some birds and a couple of butterflies. Digit took off her girdle and tied it around the butterfly and it flew off further down the stream and away from the toads." Holding the book out in front of him and staring at it incredulously. Murdoc reads that again trying to make sense of it. "Seriously, what drugs was this Christian on? Eventually a cockchafer saw her and he picked her up."

"A what?" the singer asks, just as confused.

"Cockchafer." Murdoc grunts, only half listening because he's still annoyed at how ridiculous the story has become.

"Err, that's what I thought you said?" Stuart grunts back, raising an eyebrow.

"So he stuck her in a tree. Winter came and the bitch nearly froze. Even though the cockchafer gave her honey and shit to eat. He wasn't very clever. Obviously, I mean a nice woollen coat versus a bit of honey." Murdoc wavers his hands in front of them as if weighing them up. "I know which one I'd prefer if my nutsack was about to become one with a damn tree." Turning his gaze towards 2D, he suddenly sees that he appears to be thinking hard about something. "What?"

"I don't understand how a... penis shaver comes into it?" the younger man mumbles, bowing his head and blushing with embarrassment.

"What the bloody Hell are...?" Letting the words die on his lips, the bassist runs that back through until he catches the meaning. "Cockchafer! A Beetle you knob!" he roars impatiently.

"Oh!" Stuart sniggers into his hand. Feeling rather silly but amused at the same time. "Sorry Muds."

"Perv. So this mouse comes along and he takes Digit back to his warm house and feeds her. Then he says that she can stay, if she keeps his house clean and tells him stories. So she does and they're very happy. Eventually he says that they'll be having a visitor soon. Not that Digit cares, because the visitor is a blind mole and there's dishes to do. So the mouse talks to the mole and they discuss some money that is owed. And suddenly Digit finds herself fobbed off onto the mole in payment for the debt, so she lives with him fer a bit. Telling him stories. Gah..." Hanging his tongue out in disgust, Murdoc feigns choking. But silently reads on a few pages. "This story is far too long and now she's talking to some dying bird!"

"Awww, why is the bird dying Muds?"

"Herpes," the bassist grunts, distracted by what he's reading. 2D makes a sick face and hides under the blankets again. "Needs some PVC rubber outfits and a couple of sex slaves." The bassist suggests with a point down to the page. "She visits the dumb bird a few times. Made him a blanket so he wouldn't freeze and eventually he got better. He wants her to go with him but she says no. The mouse wants her to spin some wedding clothes out of wool, because he's apparently marrying her off to the mole. She finishes the clothes and has a tear, because she doesn't want to marry the mole and live underground with him. Ack... I hate this story. Drugs, midgets and bestiality. Everything a good porn should have, but it sucks." Murdoc wails, hitting himself gently in the head with the book in frustration. He sees Stuart purse his lips to say something and instantly shoots his a look of warning to stay silent. So the singer sucks them back again and does so.

"The sparrow comes back and says he's going off to warmer countries this winter, so she should come with him. She says yes and he flies off with her on his back. They head to a warm country and he deposits her in his nest. Ah, now why could I see that coming?" He rolls his eyes then reads on a little further. Hoping that there will finally be some nasty sex involved to make him feel better. "No wait, he introduces her to a fairy... Heh, like he'd be interested, the poof. A bunch of fairies appear and they give her some stupid wings. She marries the faggot and he changes her name to something gay that I don't care about, because this story sucked monkey balls." Murdoc slams the book shut and blindly tosses it over his shoulder in disdain.

"I liked it," Stuart smiles, slowly pulling his head out from under blanket.

"You would you faggot," the bassist growls and hauls himself to his feet. Making his way to the bedroom door, he spots the book on the floor and stops to kick it into the corner before he continues on.

"Heh heh, night Muds." Stuart sniggers, grinning at the rude gesture the bassist snaps back into the room before the door closes.


End file.
